A Full Cup
Being a dad takes a lot of time and energy. There’s money to be made, things to fix, and places to be. Once you’ve portioned off all the resources needed to handle your responsibilities, it sometimes feels like there’s nothing left for you. I’m sure that, like me, you probably know dads who complain about being the support crew and never have time to do what they want. I’ve had jobs that made me feel this way and I wasn’t even a dad then. I couldn’t imagine adding a kid into the mix. It wasn’t until I got with my wife that I started to see the value in that coveted personal recharge time.
The year that Jolene and I started dating, we did it all. We were in our final year as veteran undergrads and living like it was the last free year of our lives. We hiked on most weekends, took trips to Moab and Vegas, camped in the Colorado mountains in the Volkswagen bus we bought, got swole in the university gym together, and regularly hung out with friends. Graduation loomed and we were faced with a choice: stay in expensive Colorado where the job market for our degree was saturated or move away. Somehow, despite the incredible year we had, we chose to move away. We graduated in the winter of 2018 and moved to be closer to my family in Pittsburgh.
Shortly after, our lives turned upside down and that was before Covid even hit. We lost our mountains, struggled to find full-time jobs, and lived in not one but two terrible housing situations. I found it almost unbearable to bike around the city due to the tight roads and bad traffic. Worst of all, we quickly began to lose sight of the life we wanted for ourselves. All of the dreaming we did was erased and I soon realized just how far we’d fallen from the highs of our first year together.
Of course it wasn’t all bad. Jolene got to know my family and I was able to reconnect with family I hadn’t spoken to in some years. We were lucky to live close to one of my oldest friends and her family. During that time, day-to-day life was tough and we never felt like we were able to refill our cups in the way we used to. In the end, after two years in Pittsburgh, we got the opportunity to move back to Colorado and took the leap. A picture of the life we actually wanted to build for ourselves started to come back into focus - this time with a renewed motivation.
Keeping my cup full
Whether you call it filling your cup or self care, it’s important to understand what it is that makes you feel happy, healthy, and successful. I was fortunate to have that sorted out before Flora came along since our move to Pittsburgh really opened my eyes to what made me feel my best. Once you have a family, though, it’s even more important to put this into the context of your shared life. When Jolene and I began to talk more seriously about having a baby, I was adamant that I didn’t want my life to become unrecognizable. I’ve put too much thought and energy into a life that I felt was really my own rather than one that made decisions for me. It took a lot for us to get back to the lives we enjoyed so I had to wonder whether having a baby might jeopardize our efforts.
The thing is, the more I thought about what made my life enjoyable, the more I realized that the recipe was simple and somewhat babyproof. Things would likely have to shift around throughout the day to accommodate the needs of our new addition but a flexible attitude was all that was required. Since having Flora, it might be safe to say that I do more in a week than I did before we had her. I view my time in a much more structured way because it’s become necessary if I want to have the life I love. It helped to narrow my focus on that recipe of things that made me happy, healthy, and feel successful.
Everything from where I live to time freedom to sharing a vision for life with Jolene is essential to support the things that I do in a week to keep my cup full. Activities such as exercising, spending time with my family and friends, or just getting into the mountains for a few hours do so much to recharge my battery. My list of things is totally specific to me, meaning that plugging this list into someone else’s life wouldn’t necessarily make a difference. It’s a fascinating and highly worthwhile exercise to examine the things you like to do and what changes you can make to support those.
It’s worth noting that Jolene and I do trade off on filling our cups as equally as we can. How rude would I be to insist on my time but ignore hers? Ideally, we both try to schedule our activities either when Flora is at daycare or asleep since we want to maximize family time.
So, why does this matter?
It matters because life is busy and it becomes easy to cancel plans with friends or forget to pursue our passions. It matters because our partners and kids deserve the best of who we are and I can’t be my best if my cup is empty and I’ve forgotten who I am. Simple things like reorganizing your day or just taking some time to think about what excites you can make all the difference. Most importantly, there’s nothing selfish about needing some personal time in order to maximize the time spent with your family.
***
Quick note: I am absolutely not trying to say that Pittsburgh is a bad place to live or there is anything wrong with it - I grew up in the area. For starters, it’s more affordable and has, in my opinion, a much better food scene than where I live in Colorado. I am simply saying that I had dreams about how my life should look and revisiting this place as an adult showed me that it is at odds with those dreams. Again, place can really matter sometimes.