Joy
In the short time that I’ve been a dad, I have been astonished at how joyful the experience has been. Prior to becoming one, I couldn’t imagine how being a dad could be all that blissful. Most of the ways that experienced parents describe parenthood sound more like something I’d choose to avoid. How anyone could find joy in the screaming, crying, spitting up, relentless pooping, sleepless nights, stress, and the many other very real circumstances of raising a child has been a mystery. Even as I write this, I find it nearly inconceivable that I would ever love and enjoy being a dad as much as I do. Through everything that comes with a new baby, it’s entirely possible to come out the other side more in love than when you went in.
Although I’ve spent a considerable amount of time trying to put into words how exactly it feels to be a dad, I just haven’t been able to do it accurately. I believe this could be a reason that it’s common for parents to focus on the unpleasant sides of being a parent. The tough parts of parenthood are at least somewhat understandable to those who don’t have kids. Anyone can relate to things like being tired or feeling overwhelmed. The amazing parts, however, are much more difficult to characterize. Not everyone can relate to being moved to tears by hearing your own baby laugh for the first time. There’s a deep joy to being fully present in a moment with your baby that seems to be completely indescribable. You know it when you’re in it but you’ll never be able to recall it in any meaningful way once it’s passed, let alone share it with anyone else.
The only way I’ve been able to make sense of a moment of pure and complete connection with Flora is to refer to it as being “plugged directly into life itself”. That’s precisely how it feels. There’s nothing in between us, nothing else happening around us, and nothing else to want for. It’s just my daughter and me rolling with the movement of the moment. And it’s pure joy. Even in those very early days when things can often feel daunting, there’s this ineffable joy that flows like an undercurrent in parenting life.
These feelings of immense joy that come and go aren’t easily reproduced which makes the goal of staying present all the more important. If I’m not able to make the moments happen then I at least want to be able to notice them when they finally do happen. Since before Flora was born, I made it a practice to try to recognize the good when the good was occurring. With as quickly as our baby has been growing and changing, being truly with her from moment to moment has become an enduring ambition. Although doing anything at a near-constant rate can sound discouraging, the practice of staying present, in truth, takes no real effort. Simply relaxing into the moment and allowing the ubiquitous joy to be a part of the moment with you is all it takes. The difficulty is in just being there without any thought or judgement or desire otherwise.
Some of my favorite moments in her life so far have been nothing more than watching Flora laugh or eat some banana for the first time or even just stare up at me while I rock her to sleep. She has an appetite for life that she approaches with an inspirational amount of joy. It’s almost as if she just exists in a state that seems to be propelled by joy itself. Of course, she gets upset and cries but these moments are short interruptions in her otherwise joyful disposition. Despite these interruptions, the effortless and natural beauty that radiates from her is contagious. I want to foster that inner joy rather than be the one to take it from her because of how I feel or what I think would be better in the moment. Merely relaxing into the time I spend with her is a small but thoughtful gesture toward fostering Flora’s inner joy by allowing her to also relax into this time as well.
Naturally, this isn’t always easy. Some days I have a harder time connecting to Flora’s joyful demeanor and I can’t seem to help it. Some days Flora seems to be less able to connect to her usual joyfulness as well. This, of course, is the innate truth of life and why I call my efforts to remain connected a practice. Furthermore, I try to keep in mind that just because I missed a moment doesn’t mean the day is ruined. There’s always the opportunity in each moment to begin again and try to reconnect as best as I can. The more I try, the easier it seems to get and I’m hopeful that, over time, I will be able to fill more of my day with the joy that comes from raising my daughter.